Monday, March 17, 2008

Doomsday!




Fritz and I went to see the movie Doomsday this weekend, allow me, please to give you my review...







Let me start with an acronym...WTF?!





Okay, i'm all for movies with Mad Max levels of road rage and I'm all about the post-apocalyptic-plague-world-sci-fi-future.

But at what point did Neil Marshall think that throwing a full blown dark ages castle with full crew of men-at-arms and self-made hand-beaten armor wearing executioner was going to make this thing gel.

Again, don't get me wrong, I love it. This screen play took GUTS like I've never seen. We are talking like seventy feet of 'em.

Let me break it down for you;

1. We gotz a plague...OHNOES!

2. We gotz to wall off HALF THE FRIGGIN ISLAND! OH F-ING NOES!!!11

3. Cook at 350 degrees for 25 years.

4. We gots TEH PLAGUE AGAIN! OH F-ING NOES!!!111!!!111???

5. WAIT! LOOKZ! There be peeps in da plague lands.

"how?"

"wtf cares!"

"right!"

6. K boyz, send in da chica with da robots eye.

Mix with 2 old APCs, about a dozen peeps with guns, stir gently, let simmer all of 15 minutes.

7. Crazy post-apocalyptic peeps --> "Get 'em da be fud!"

INSERT CRAZY FIVE THOUSAND ROUND EXPENDITURE OF AMMUNITION, NON-BULLET PROOF GLASS, EASILTY TOPPLED APCs WITH MOLITOV COCTAILS, MAKE THEM PRISONERS.

8. Cook up da doctor and eat 'em.

9. Robot eye chica escapes with Maid Marrian.

10. Find Robin Hood.

11. Go to mountains.

12. Go through secret passage through HIGH TECH GOVERNMENT INSTALLATION FILLED WITH SHIT, but don't look at it! Not yet.

13. Find crazy knight, get Robin Hood killed, become prisoner...again.

14. Find crazy 'king', fight in arena, kick crazy knight's ass. Well, stick a spike in his head, same difference.

15. Escape with grenades (boom!)

16. Go back to secret passage through hi-tech installation and this time look in the damn crates.

Add MOTHER F-ING BENTLEY with full tank of gas in a big box plus GPS tracking cell phone.

17. Go have awesome Mad Max road battle.
18. Drive Bentley through a bus, DO NOT I repeat DO NOT scratch the paint bitches!
19. Get stopped by helicopter, turn over 'package', use cool robot eye to record bad guy giving monologue.
20. Wrap up film, go back and take over post-apocolyptic cannibals.

Now, you can't say that doesn't sound like some wild ass FUN to you, because I know it does. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, even in the 'suspended reality' department but FCUK IT it how often do you get to see dark ages knights AND post-apocalyptic road warriors in the same flic? NEVER that's how often.

The people critics are rating it a C+ on yahoo, and sure sure it's a C+ movie, BUT COME ON it should be given more just for having the cajones to mix what it did!

GAPING PLOT HOLES BE DAMNED!

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